Surrender Your Sensations

It was Tuesday and I was still not fit to really attend my classes today. However, I had a quiz with one of my majors then a debate on one of my Philo subjects. The middle of my thighs was still a bit sore and almost my whole neck had been covered with concealer to hide the red marks. It actually took me almost a lifetime to cover those marks!

It would have been easy to cover up these marks if I wore a turtleneck shirt but the weather was too hot for such attire. In the end, I settled on a simple shirt and fitted jeans with a thick layer of concealer. My hair was in a high ponytail because it was hot today. I was a bit grumpy but it’s not really my personality. So, yeah. I needed to put on a smile and be my usual jolly and direct bitch that I was.

Before going to my first class, where a quiz is waiting for me, I first went to the small coffee shop of the university to get coffee. I didn’t want to take my quiz for breakfast today. At least, a coffee could wipe out my grumpiness. I still have one and a half hours to spare.

I entered the shop and the smell of freshly-brewed coffee instantly stimulated my dear serotonin. My mood was a bit lifted. The song that was playing was also fun; it was one of my favorite songs by Michael Bublé, L-O-V-E. Lastly, what I liked the most every morning in a coffee shop were the empty seats and lesser crowd. I mean, staying here was very serene during these hours.

“Good morning, Madam Katie,” I greeted the cashier on duty with a bit of playfulness in my voice. I liked to call her ‘madam’ instead of ‘ate’ or ‘tita’. She’s in her fifties but I guess she looked younger because of her stylish blue bob-cut hair and some tattoos on her arms. The tag on her uniform was my only way to be sure that she’s Katie. “The usual.” Then I immediately handed her my payment.

“I didn’t see you yesterday, Meredith. Don’t you have a meeting at your debate org every Monday?”

My smile formed awkwardly before I answered her. “Ah… I had to do something yesterday. It’s urgent.” Yeah right. Urgent my ass. I couldn’t believe I would tell a lame lie like this because of my fuck buddy- Argh. Was that the right way I should call my relationship with Rupert the bad rockstar? Fuck buddy? Friends with benefits?

“Are you okay, Meredith? You seem out of your usual self today. Did something happen?”

I immediately shook my head before laughing. Why am I thinking about him again? We’re not even friends yet. It’s safer to say we’re just acquainted with each other because of sex. Yeah. Sex. Nothing serious. Nothing to really fuss about.

“Did my org mates conduct the meeting here yesterday?” I asked her while waiting for my coffee.

“Yes. I did hear yesterday that they were talking about a tournament.” Katie leaned on the counter. “Will the debate team participate in the upcoming regional debate competition this year? Are you one of the participants?”

Alpha Battuere was the official debate organization and team of the university. My confidence and my tactless manner of speaking to other people was put in good use in debating ever since I was in high school. When I was in college, I joined Alpha Battuere because debating and exchanging meaningful arguments was really in my heart.

“Yup. There’s a regional debate competition lined up next month. So far, we haven’t had the official list of members to join. But the seniors have agreed-”

“Seniors? Are you already in your senior year?”

I was stunned by Katie’s question. A bitter smile drew on my lips. If I didn’t stop because of my cancer, I would be in my senior year now and probably graduating this semester.

I shook my head at Katie before expelling a deep sigh. “This is technically just my second year in the team. I had to leave them two years ago, so, I’m not one of the seniors yet even though they’re just my age,” I tried to sound nonchalant but deep inside, I have so many regrets for the past two years.

One of those regrets was my supposed-to-be first national debate competition, two years ago. I was a sophomore at that time, and my seniors saw me as a natural talent in debating, so they asked me to be included on the official roster of the debate team who would be competing. We won during the regionals and made it to enter the national level. I was so happy.

“Oh yes. I remember now.” Katie sighed. “It’s still a pity that you were not able to join the nationals back then, Meredith. Maybe if you were the one who joined the competition, the university might have taken home the nationals for the first time,” Katie said before she gave me my coffee. “But I’m glad you went back to school even though you were a little late. You made me admire you more, Meredith.”

I shrugged my shoulders with the pang of pain in my heart. That would be my greatest what if in my debate career. “You really trust me, Madam Katie,” I joked before taking a sip of my coffee. “Don’t worry, I’ll try out this year. Who knows? I might be selected again to join the roster and compete.”

“It’s really good that there is an audition. You have a talent in that field so I’m very confident in your ability.”

Katie Lizardo is one of my mother’s bestest friends and my dear godmother. But she’s too chill and she didn’t want me to treat her older than me. She preferred a friendly relationship between us. So, that’s what I was doing.

“Do you think I can make it to the audition and be part of the debate roster? Do you think I can compete again?” Suddenly, doubts caved in.

“You were born to do it, Meredith. Your mother is one of the best lawyers I met. She definitely passed her talent in debating to you. Just trust yourself.”

I immediately smiled. There’s no greater motivation than following my mother’s footsteps. I would also be a champion in debate as well as be one of the most dignified and respected human rights lawyers like my mother.

“Thank you for the coffee, Madam Katie. As usual, I enjoyed talking to you. I’ll stay a little bit longer to enjoy this.” Then I sipped my coffee again.

I was about to turn around when Katie suddenly grabbed my arm. I flinched a little before looking at her confused.

“What happened to your lips?”

My eyes widened at her question and I immediately covered my mouth. I thought my swollen lips were not noticeable because of the ample amount of lipstick that I put on. But I guess I was wrong.

My God, this is embarrassing.

“Ahh … B-Because… What exactly…”

Katie suddenly laughed then let go of my arm. She shook her head before starting tapping on the monitor in front of her. “Just take contraceptives when you do it, Meredith. You still have a long way to go to become a full-fledged lawyer.”

My cheeks were flustered with what Katie said. I forced myself to smile before saying goodbye to her. I went straight to the far end of the cafe, on the right, where I often sit whenever I was here. I still have a lot of time to spare, so I’ll finish my coffee first.

I was near my usual spot when I saw a very familiar figure sitting on one of the two chairs. She had her back on me. I smiled immediately when I noticed the barber’s cut hair. She was wearing a checkered polo and simple jogger pants. That style never looked so pleasing if Bailey wasn’t the one who was wearing it.

My hunch that it was Bailey was confirmed when I saw her tattoo on her neck. Plus, I could smell her super addicting scent. I immediately approached her. I wrapped my arms around his neck from behind.

“Bailey!”

“Stop it! Hey, Edith!”

I burst out laughing as she removed my hug around her neck. I almost threw away the coffee I was holding when she pulled my arm and then flicked my forehead.

“You’re really cute!” I teased her. The fact that she called me ‘Edith’ means she’s not ‘seriously’ angry with me.

“Why do you always have to shout every morning?!”

I sat on the chair opposite her then placed the cup I was holding on the table. Immediately, my eyes widened when I saw the two tuna sandwiches she ordered. She did nothing when I took one.

“You didn’t show up to me yesterday and now you are taking one of my sandwiches?” Bailey snorted. She did not even try to hide the sarcasm in her voice.

I immediately choked on what I was eating. “Bailey, you’re scary,” I joked but I was actually preparing my ear for her sermon.

“You should really be scared. You know your father told me to take care of you,” she shook her head before eating the rest of her sandwich, “So, what happened to you? I last saw you in that bar and then what? Is that why I can’t call you yesterday because you’re still with whoever guy you picked in that bar?”

I shyly nodded at her. What’s the point of lying. She definitely knew about my plan of losing my virginity that night. “Kind of?”

Bailey heaved a deep sigh before she took my coffee and drank in it. I could feel the tension from her. She was even tapping her forefinger on the table before she turned her attention to me. “Tell me everything, Meredith Kaye. Or else I will tell it to Uncle Arnel,” she threatened me, pertaining to my dad.

I gasped, looking at her blurred face with wide eyes. So, she’s really going to involve my father here. She’s really scary.

“What? Aren’t you gonna talk, Edith?”

I took a deep breath before touching both my cheeks in embarrassment. I mean, should I really tell her- every detail? Everything that Rupert did to me?

“Are you sure you want to know?” I could feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment. My heart was also beating very fast. “Every detail? You really want to know everything? I mean, you might be scandalized by what he did-”

I heard Bailey gasping before she coughed. I immediately gave her my coffee and she took it. After drinking half of my coffee, she slammed her hands on the table. “Jesus, Edith! Gross. Of course I don’t care about what your man did to you inside the bedroom. Tell me what happened to you after that night, less the gross thing you did with the guy.”Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

I breathed a sigh of relief. My God. I thought she really wanted to know all the details Rupert and I did.

I nodded at her before leaning back in my seat. I folded my arms over my chest before I looked out the window at our side. The sun rays pierced through the glass windows, giving the coffee shop a lighter ambiance.

“I met a rockstar.” I immediately smiled at the beginning of my story. “He’s a bad rockstar.”

I could feel Bailey’s intense stare at me. She didn’t say a thing but I knew she’s listening. As always.

With her, I could comfortably express everything that was in my mind.

“He asked me if I really want to live, not just survive. Of course. Probably, that was the reason why I went with him and chose him to devirginize me that night.” I chuckled before I reached for my coffee cup. I took a sip before I returned my gaze to Bailey.

I looked at her directly as if I was making eye contact with her; when in fact, because of distance, her face was a bit blurry. I liked doing this with people I talked to them, looking straight to their faces, even though I could not really see them clearly. In this way, I feel and act normal.

“He made me feel like someone can depend on me too. He made me realize that I am not that weak; and I can also offer my shoulder to let other people cry.”

Yes. That’s probably what I was most thankful of Rupert. Well, all my life, I felt like I was the weak one. I was so useless and my life was as slow as the turtle. Most of the time, I felt like my life was delayed and I was getting left behind because I was weak.

But Rupert showed me that no one was really stronger; because everyone has weaknesses. He made me realize that the people I thought were strong, were actually brave.

“You’re not weak, Edith,” Bailey said, making me immediately smile.

“I’m not weak, Bailey,” I sighed before looking at my coffee. It was half-empty now, “but I am a coward.”

I was stunned when Bailey snapped her fingers in front of me. She held my right hand on top of the table and she intertwined our fingers. I stared at our clasped hands. I smiled. Ever since, Bailey was always there for me, cheering me up and supporting what I wanted to do.

“It’s not too late to be brave, Meredith. Your cup is still half-full.”

I looked up at her. I blinked a few times when Bailey’s face leaned closer, across the table between us. Her face was closer now. I could see her eyes and her smile.

“Half-full?” I looked at my coffee. It was not just half-empty… it was also half-full.

“Yup. Still half-full. So, you can do anything you want and I promise to support you.”

“Thank you, Bailey. I love you.”

I saw how her eyes widened. Her cheeks reddened and her mouth hung half-opened. I just smiled at her before I cupped both of her cheeks. “I love you, Bailey. I don’t know what would have happened to me if you hadn’t been my best friend.”

“Best friend?” She chuckled, nodding her head. “Ah… Yeah… Y-You love me as your bestfriend.”

He immediately pulled away from me and returned to her seat. She was heaving deep sighs and her right hand touched her chest.

I was nervous. “Asthma?”

“Nope. Don’t worry. I’m just waking myself up to reality,” she said, shaking her head before sipping the rest of my coffee.

Confused, I looked at her. What she said was a bit far from what we’re talking about.

After a while, Bailey seemed to have come to her senses because her fatherly look had returned to me.

“What is the bad Rockstar’s name?”

I laughed at Bailey’s term. “I will be meeting him again this Friday,” I said excitedly with a strange tickle in my stomach. That Rupert-guy really got this sensual effect on my body. “After that, I will be telling you his name.”

I heard Bailey snorted and I chuckled.

“Are you sure that man isn’t infected of any STDs?”

“He said he’s not.”

“And you believed him right away?”

I bit my bottom lip and immediately winced because of how swollen my lips were. “Because… It was so heavenly, Bailey. He brough me to heaven.” I grinned at my bestfriend who immediately stood up from her seat. She even slammed both hands on the table which earned attention from a few people in the coffee shop.

“You’re going crazy,” she said before sitting down again. “Don’t see him again. Unsafe sex can put you at risk. You should be conscious and cautious, Edith.”

I understand Bailey. I don’t hate her for being this protective of me. I mean, what she’s saying is true. But I also think Rupert is really clean.

“I’ve been cautious and conscious of my health ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, Bailey. Don’t worry, that rockstar is trustworthy.”

I’m not sure how I could have trusted Rupert so quickly even though I had only known him for a short time. But I guess, there were just people whom you would meet and you guys would immediately click.

“You’re still not declared in complete remission. You still need to be careful. You know the nature of cancer. It’s a traitor.”

I leaned back in my seat before smiling broadly. “I’ve been doing my best to stay healthy. But there’s still a possibility for the cancer to come back no matter how healthy I am, right?”

Bailey and I both fell silent because of what I said. That is the truth. Cancer is unpredictable. Every day I live in fear that the next day when I wake up, I will have cancer again. And that kind of life is exhausting.

I just want to live.

“Just please don’t forget your check-ups,” Bailey said which I answered with a nod. “I have the last question, Edith.”

I waited for her question. Even though I can’t see the expression on her face, I can feel the sudden awkwardness.

“Was he gentle? Did you… D-Did you enjoy your first time?”

Immediately, my cheeks warmed up. I gulped as the heated memories with the bad Rockstar quickly came back.

“Uhmn … Y-Yes … He made sure I will be okay.”

“That’s good.”

Awkward.

Unable to cope with Bailey’s question, I looked out the window. Why did she have to ask me that?

“Bailey? Bailey!”

The awkward silence was broken by the man who called Bailey. There were two men approaching our place. Bailey turned to them and waved. “Calvin!”

I can’t see their faces but the one who called Bailey was wearing jogger pants and a simple shirt. He even carried a basketball and a backpack. The other guy was wearing jeans pants and a black shirt.

I can’t help but think of Rupert. He wears the same clothes.

“That’s coffee,” Calvin said. “Who’s with you? Your girlfriend?”

“Stupid. That’s my best friend,” Bailey replied before tapping me.

I looked up at them and forced a smile. I mean, I couldn’t see their faces so there’s no need to really look. However, I don’t want to be rude so I still have to look at them.

“Hi! I’m Calvin.” Then he slapped the arm of the guy he was with who was currently busy with his cellphone. “This is Rupert.”

I was stunned by the man’s name. When he looked up at me, my mouth fell open because I saw something shiny on his face that was hit by the sunlight.

Rupert the bad Rockstar?

“Meredith?” There was his husky and low speaking voice which instantly made my heart race in anticipation.

“R-Rupert?”

“You know each other?” Calvin asked aghast.

“Is he the Rockstar we were talking about earlier?” Bailey asked, to which I just answered with a nod.

My gosh. I could not believe that Rupert and I were in the same university?